


I don't know.

by carolveers



Category: Captain Marvel (2019), Carol Corps, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fanfiction, My First Fanfic, One Shot, f/f - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-24 11:58:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18571003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carolveers/pseuds/carolveers
Summary: Carol and Maria have a morning coffee as Monica eavesdrops :)





	I don't know.

Carol came back. She came back, but she was different. After the crash, she could never be the same. Even if she stayed on Earth and the Kree hadn’t taken her, she wouldn’t have been the same. Maria knew that. She’d known that the whole six years Carol was gone. She just didn’t expect her to be distant.

Every morning, Carol woke up on the couch, and pondered. It wasn’t that different from her mornings on Hala. Maria walked into the kitchen every morning and made her coffee. They would sit, close, but separate, and talk. Maria brought up memories, sad ones, mad ones, happy ones, funny ones, and Carol wouldn’t understand them. She remembered them, but she couldn’t understand what it meant to the both of them. She understood that there was an intimacy between the two of them, but Carol didn’t understand how deep it was, how important. Maria was her anchor, but Carol didn’t know what kind of anchor she was. Carol would look at Maria and feel it in her gut, a weight pulling her insides apart. She felt guilty. She lost her. She lost herself. She couldn’t get them back. Carol hated being told the things she couldn’t do, but maybe this time, it really was something out of her power.

Then Monica would run into the room, singing, “Auntie Carol!” The scrawny kid would climb between them, hugging them tight. She was grateful her second mother was back. If there was one thing about this home Carol had understood, it was that Monica was her daughter. Monica had brought her back, she showed her love, she showed her compassion, she showed her everything there was to know about herself. Monica meant more to her than anyone else possibly could. Carol wished Maria and Monica were equally important to her. At one point they were. Carol shoved that thought out of her mind often. It was shameful.

Monica hid in the hall beside the kitchen every morning and listened. She watched too. Her moms woke up at 8:00 AM on the weekends and 6:00 AM on weekdays and they sat together and had coffee. They always talked to each other. It started lightly, then with something about Monica’s day and then it devolved into tension. Today, Monica sits against the wooden slats of the hall, bored of their conversation before it even begins.

“How’d you sleep?” Maria asks.

“Good.”

“You know you can always ––“

“I know.” Carol drinks and sets the cup down. “I don’t -- It doesn’t feel right.”

Maria runs her thumb across the other. “I can set you up in the garage, if you want.”

“No, no, I’m -- I’ll be okay soon, I just... I hate that gap.”

“What gap?”

“The gap between memory and meaning -- I... I hate it.” Carol shook her head. “We were married right?”

Maria nods. “Engaged.”

“See, I don’t remember that.”

Monica rests her head against the wall. She didn't know _that._

“I don’t remember us. I remember you and Monica and the way we cheered when she scored a goal the way it hurt every time she called me Auntie Carol instead of Mom or Mama or whatever she called me. I remember our higher further faster, I remember Pancho’s, I remember when we stopped going.”

Maria leans forward. “That is us.”

“No -- it- it’s different. When I think back on us, when I think back on everything I don’t remember us, I don’t remember how we met or why we were or anything, I just remember you and Monica, but there is no us in my head.”

Maria sits back.

“I know, every time I look at you, I know that I was in love with you. I just don’t remember it. Do you know how badly I want to look at you the way you look at me?”

Monica shouldn’t've kept listening.

“I want you back, Carol.” Maria whispers. “You never came back, not fully.”

“I know. I want to, I want to. I want to come back. I want to stay here. I want to feel what you feel right now, but I -- I feel like I’m faking it.” Carol bites her lip, fighting her own emotions.

Maria puts her coffee cup on the table. She blinks away tears. Carol watches her. She shouldn’t’ve said that.

“You don’t love me?” Maria's voice shakes. Maybe Carol never came back.

“I don’t know.”

Maria nods. She stands.

“Where are you going?”

“Work starts soon.”

Carol grabs her. “Maria...”

“I know.” She holds her hand. “I have work.”

Maria leaves. Carol watches her go. There’s that weight again, pulling her down, anchoring her in place.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all! This is my first fan fiction that I've posted anywhere and I'm very excited. I was in an emo carolmaria mood when I wrote this. I truly apologize if it hurt to read, it hurt to write. I hope to be writing more in the future. Thank you for clicking on my fic. I hope you liked it!
> 
> \--S


End file.
